Thursday, December 29, 2005

I know it's timely

Yeah, the below post is a tad late. War of the Worlds has been out of the theaters for about a hundred years (which is the same amount of time watching it feels like it takes). Hell, it's even on MVP already at Hollywood Video.

So sue me. I don't get to the movies much, and it took me two tries spread over six weeks to actually finish this piece o' crap. And it was so mind numbingly awful that I couldn't resist posting on it.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

130 million won't buy a brain.

The title here was to refer to a post I was going to make about the budget of the excrescence called War of the Worlds (articles no longer are allowed, so the "the" got shit canned along with most of my brain). However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Spielberg's budget on that flick was miniscule compared what it would cost actual aliens to mount an invasion and occupation on the scale shown in the Steve's ritalin addled story. Think about it. It costs us billions and billions to just scrape up into the upper reaches of low earth orbit in a vehicle that looks like a balloon plane. Trillions it would likely cost those aliens to make all those three legged war ships and get them here. Yet apparently with all their money, and all their scientific advancements, the science of biology is totally foreign to them. They didn't realize they needed to test the water before they drank it. Imagine Neil Armstrong opening the door of the Eagle while wearing a windbreaker and Bermuda shorts and you will get what I mean.

But wait, you say, War or the Worlds isn't about all that stupid science stuff. That's for eggheads, fanboys and geeks. This is a movie for intellectuals. It's using the genre to make a statement about . . .

About what exactly?

Oh, about how you can make up for being a deadbeat dad who abandons his parental responsibility in the most callous way and become a good parent by knowing a lot about cars and being able to kill with your bare hands for no reason. And it's about realizing you have to let your kids go eventually, even if it means they can then go out into the world and get destroyed by it (but if you do let them go, then they won't get destroyed---the world will be all soft and cuddly and let them skate on anything bad happening if only you realize you must let them go).

And there is more. Hey, it's also about how people are essentially hateful, evil scum who will revert to savages during crisis, despite, of course, all the evidence to the contrary throughout the history of the world. And it's about how you can make a political statement by putting your words into the mouth of a character who represents all the evil you are making your statement against.

Oh, and money. I think it might also be a little bit about money. You know, about how you can make a shitload of it by raping the current emotional zeitgeist, all while pretending you are actually providing a cathartic balm.

Christ, and I thought C.H.U.D. was bad.

Rubes in the house

You know, it's one month until Spring Training and the Tribe payroll now sits at right about the same spot it was last year, albeit minus Bob Howry, Kevin Millwood and Scott Elaraton, and, admittedly, plus a few raises for returning players. And those three missing players? They have been replaced by Paul Byrd, Jason Johnson and Mr. N.O. One.

So they have a weaker team for about the same money--plus whatever raises the existing players are due. So let's say it's about 46 million, give or take. A tad higher than last year, but just a wee bit short (or a fucking whole lot short, if you prefer) of the "north of 60 million" that Scrooge McDolan is claiming in the papers (just me or does he sound like W proclaiming victory in Iraq?).

But congrats on that extra 30-40 million--or more--of TV revenue your new sports station is going to generate. Hope that fills out the Dolan family retirement plan nicely, Larry. Umm. . .so where's that other 15-20 million that you keep saying you are going to spend on the team going to go exactly, Scrooge, me boy? Into refreshments? I mean, who is left to pick up now that you have passed on every decent hitter who was out there? And did I mention you have yet to sign a hitter of any kind? Do you realize that your 1st and 3rd basemen and your left fielder are still Ben Broussard, Aaron Boone and Casey Blake? Do you even know the names of any of the players on your team?

Hey, let's raid the kid's piggy bank to get those season tickets now, baby!!! Woo-hoo, as Homer Simpson might say. Indians fever. Be a believer. With the Cleveland Indians.

Just kill me now, as I might say.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Maybe Frickin' Ted Stepien Wasn't So Bad

At least Ted cared. At least Ted went to church every Sunday before he invited sportswriters over to watch porno at his house. At least Ted was just a frickin' and not a fuckin', as in Fuckin' Larry Dolan. Yeah, Ted was dumb as a post. Yeah, Ted couldn't have found his asshole with a funnel. But at least Ted was trying.

Maybe Larry D just watched Field Of Dreams in reverse and that is how he came up with his, "If you come, I will build it" mantra. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out. The Indians draw two million to watch a team with a payroll on par with Kansas City's, and Larry tells us, "Hey, you want me to spend more money, buy more tickets, you asshole fans."

Ok, I added the part about the asshole fans. That's just Larry's subtext.

It's not just that this makes no sense from a sports perspective; it makes no sense from a business perspective. Any business, large or small, has to outlay something in order to get a return on the investment. Yes, a return on investment requires an actual original investment to get the whole ball rolling.

Weird, huh?

If Larry Dolan were going to start a new soft drink company (Dolan Soda, get it while it's cheap), he'd print up 3,000,000 slips of paper, on credit, of course. When you went to your grocery store, right between the Coke and Pepsi would be little slips of paper. Each piece of paper would cost you a buck, and on it would read the following:

I.O.U. One Dolan Soda---Maybe

Then once he sold those three million slips of paper---and only then---Larry would build a factory, come up with a recipe, and make and ship out his soda.

What a plan, Larry. No wonder you are filthy, stinking rich.

It gets worse. Not only did Larry D cost his fans a rare post season berth by attempting to "contend" (his word, not mine) on a shoestring, he also cost himself a buttload of money. See, that extra 5 or 10 million that he could have spent back in January (or, hell, even in July via trade), that money would have come back to him multiplied thanks to post season gate money, post season $10.00 hot dogs, increased ticket sales for next season, and, oh by the way, all those extra seats sold had the team not started out 9-14 and ended up humping and bumping around until the middle of July. So Larry D isn't just bad at figuring out how baseball works, he can't even get out of his own way in order to make his own damn self a few extra shekels for his retirement fund.

Ahhh, but we Indians fans do have another year of Aaron Boone and Casey Blake striking out and butchering balls hit right at them to look forward to.

So we got that going for us, which is nice.


Is it just me, or does Larry Dolan expect people to believe that Cleveland is a media market roughly on par in size with Butte, Montana and Boogerglab, Yugoslavia?

Damn, I'm pooped.

Took enough skull sweat just to pick a name, pick a title, pick a URL, then figure out what in the hell that word was that I had to repeat back to the site in order to prove I wasn't a computer program that was trying to start its own blog.

I wonder if they are worried that is how the whole Terminator Net Takes Over The World thing got started, with one computer sneaking in and starting its own blog? Perhaps.

Check back. Once I recover from this experience, I'm sure I'll post more interesting and enlightening things. Or at least the occasional megalomaniacal rant.

By the way, don't you think a blog web site spell checker should know the word 'blog'?