Welcome to Smodcast: Live and in the nude!

So, Tuesday night Mrs. Schmoker and I braved the unexpected frigid cold to go and see Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier do a live version of their weekly podcast, Smodcast, in a dingy pit called Peabody's in Cleveland.  It was a crazy, fun, occasionally frustrating, and unexpectedly intimate evening.   The boys were in fine form, and the intimate setting (only 100-150 seats set up in what looked to normally be a headbanging dance club) made for one of the cooler experiences I have ever had.  And I got a sex toy in the bargain.

You would think that my having a blog and all now, I would have snapped some pics (I was in the front row for the second show, after all), but I didn't even think about it.  I even left my phone at home.  I've never been a big picture taker, preferring memories to photos anytime, but after the jump I will drop a pic or two of the gifts Kevin and Scott gave to my wife and I (along with about a dozen other attendees).  Just remember, if you click 'read more,' it's definitely NSFW.

Live Nude Smod: It's better than '80's Night'!

,

And we're back!

Taking a break from Lost today to work up a post on attending Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier's Live Nude Smod tour last night at Peabody's in Cleveland (which included me winning one of the six Fleshlights the boys raffled off     and my wife getting smacked in the face with a Pink Limpy thrown by Mosier    and our running for the exit when Peabody's made Kev and Mos get off the stage at 11:30 so they could start 80's Night).

If you have never listened to Smodcast or used a Fleshlight, then come back later for a full description of the zany, scatological (both in content and location), freezing cold fun provided by Smith and Mosier live and in the nude (nudity not included).  A review of the Fleshlight itself will be, ahem, forthcoming.

My carpal tunnel is better today, so I'll have a description coming up later tonight.  In the meantime, listen to Smodcast 15, The Pretty Good Worker, for an instant lesson in how funny and offensive (and offensively funny) this weekly podcast can be.

Warning: Not Fucking Safe for Fucking Work

A pain in the...

Having a little fun with carpal tunnel this week.  Since Lost is off, and since work is crazy, I'll be paying scant attention to the blog this week.  I will, however, be posting something; just don't know what or when.  But I will definitely be doing some big posts before the next Lost episode airs next week.  They are already in the can, but they need to be edited for at least haphazard punctuation and sanity.

So, if you are new here, please read on, because there are a shit-ton of crazy Lost posts from the past month and a half which will maybe make you think, but which should definitely make you laugh (maybe at, maybe with     your call!).  But if you are a regular    (both of you)    looking for something new, check back in a few days.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

No time for a real post today, but a guy calling himself Fiftypence over on the Zap2It board where I steal my best Lost ideas (hey, I'm a comedian, not a thinker) dropped the idea that the MiB moved to the Sideways World in the form of Jack's son, David.

Hmmmm...

Ok, so Jack's son is really the only major sideways character (major in terms of importance, rather than screen time) who never existed in the Island world (at least as far I can remember without doing more digging than I have time for today).  So, there is that.  And Fiftypence also pointed out that, in the most recent episode, The Last Recruit, there was a Jack, Claire, MiB scene on the Island that was shortly followed by a Jack, Claire, David scene in the Sideways World.  So, there is that.

So, let me refer back to the biblical stories of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau which have provided so much fodder for all us crazy Lost theorists over the years.  Abraham was ordered by God to kill his son Isaac as a sacrifice.  Old Abe didn't want to do it, but he eventually decided he must.  Just before he did so, however, the Angel of the Lord stopped him, and God allowed the sacrifice of a ram in Isaac's place.  Isaac then went on to father Jacob and Esau, those bad brothers who have lent so much back story to our Island Jacob and MiB.

So, if we go ahead and assume David actually is the MiB in mortal form, is all of this leading us up to Jack being told he must kill David in order to fix everything?  Is that the sacrifice Jack must make to set right what once he got so very wrong?

 Since Abraham (Jack) ended up not having to kill Issac (David) in the biblical story, this analogy does not seem to bear out completely.  For if our David really is the MiB in doe-eyed, mushy-faced, teenager's clothing, then I don't see how his getting a last minute reprieve will work out for our story.  But it is an interesting idea, no?

By the way, the name of Isaac's mother: Sarah.

Again, all credit to Fiftypence, who peaked my insanity with this idea in the first place.  And some credit to Doc Jensen, who has been writing about Abe, Isaac, Jake and Essy for years.

Oh yeah, and credit to God for inspiring the whole bible thing, too.

Not sure I really buy this theory, but it is a cool idea.  So, what do you think, peeps?

Early Reaction to Lost 613: Did I even have one?

Lost 613, The Last Recruit, seemed to me the ultimate set up episode.  I've never said that about an episode before, as every time I've ever heard someone else refer to an episode in that fashion ("They were just moving pieces around the Island, getting them in place for the next episode"), it always bugged me.  I thought it was the coward's way of saying you didn't like an episode.  And recently a lot of people used that very description to impugn one of my favorite episodes of the season, The Package.

But now, with only five hours left, for the first time that is exactly how I feel.  A lot of pieces got moved around the board, while we got a few new answers and a few new questions, but nothing was extremely revelatory, and intense character development was put on hold for a week (or two, since Lost is off next week).

I'm going to need to watch it again before I mess with any sort of major recap, but here are a number of things that hit me like a kiss from a sonic fence...(just click 'read more')

Two Questions

Time is fleeting today, so let me ask all of you two Lost related questions:

1.  Will the show end in the Sideways World or the Island Universe?

Despite barely changing my main theory over the course of the season, I am starting to believe that the ending will be very different from what I had been imagining.  I think perhaps the War of the Island will end in the Sideways World.

I had previously thought the sideways Losties would wake up, then they would have to run with the ball right up until they fixed whatever it is they needed to fix (what that may be, I still have no idea), then   POOF    bye-bye Sideways World, and hello to a giant re-do in the Island Universe.  Whatever went wrong on the Island and created the Sideways World in the first place, the Losties would get a second chance to fix it thanks to the efforts of their Sideways selves, who would, following their awakening by Desmond, sacrifice their very existence in order to stop Smocke from escaping and creating the Sideways World in the first place. 

Now I am not so sure.  Now I think that perhaps the end game will play out in the Sideways World, with the Losties winning out over not just Smocke, but also Jacob and the Island, too.  Then perhaps the ones who survive will live out their lives in some sort of merged version of the two universes    one where they remember the Island and all that happened there, but one where that Island is still sitting on the bottom of the sea.

Jacob said he wanted the world to be a place where humans did not need his help, and maybe that is what the Sideways World will be once all is said and done. 

More detail on this in another post, but please use the comment button below to let me know where you think the show will end, and why you think that.

And now on to...

2.  I have a vision of John Locke in recovery at the hospital.  He is wiggling his toes for Dr. Jack, when    BOOM     both of their memories come flooding back.

For Locke, he needs a recreation of that "miracle moment" when he looked down his prone body after the 815 crash and saw his toes wiggling for the first time in four years.  Much like the image of Charlie Pace underwater and pressing his hand to a window first sparked Desmond's memories, seeing his toes wiggling again might just be what sparks John Locke to wake up.  I would not be surprised to see that exact shot from the pilot recreated, with the camera at ground level and looking up along John's body from behind his feet.

For Jack, it could then be a recreation of  his "miracle moment," which was the one between he and Sara, his ex-wife, when he thought she was paralyzed forever after he could not "fix" her during surgery.  Jack came back from his run in the stadium (where he just happened to meet Desmond for the first time, and which we may also see recreated) to see Sara wiggling her toes.

John Locke's toes may not be as cute as Sara's, but recreating that "miracle moment" might just bring it all back for Jack, too.

It's not all lost-loves and near-death-experiences that will bring back your memories.  Sometimes it is just seeing something you have seen before... something from another life, brutha.

So, what do you think of these mini-theories?  Sound off in the comments below by clicking "comment" and leaving me your two pennies.  The comments are wide open, with no restrictions, log-in, password, or verification required.  All you need to comment is an opinion and an attitude.

So, show me some attitude.

(I'll be back tonight around midnight EST with an early reaction to 613, The Last Recruit, and then I'll be back tomorrow with a full recap.)

The lost season of Lost

I'm about two-thirds of the way through my re-watch of season three of Lost, and the two things I have noticed and am working up a new post about are:

1.  Eloise Hawking flashes just like Desmond, and she and Charles have been running their long con on poor Des at least since the day he met Penny at the abbey in Catch-22. 

I was hipped to the idea that Eloise and Charles were conning Desmond during this season's Desmond-centric episode, Happily Ever After.   It was their attempt to motivate Desmond to wake up (rather than really trying to get him to back off), and with that idea in hand so much else becomes clear.  In Flashes Before Your Eyes and Catch-22, you can see that Ellie and Charles were working on Desmond (to get him to the Island, and beyond) from the very beginning.  The notion of sacrifice is woven throughout those Desmond-centric episodes, as are clear signs that Des is being manipulated by Ellie and Charles.

But most of all what I saw was that Eloise "flashes" just like Desmond.  I didn't fully comprehend what was happening to Des back then, and we had never met Eloise before, but now you can see that she knows things that could not have come from Daniel's journal, or from Jacob or the MiB.  She was acting just like Desmond would act in the following episodes as he tried to save Charlie's life again and again    all while trying to piece out what was happening to him.  Everything we saw from Desmond as he became a master-flasher, so to speak, were things we first saw from the original "flasher," Eloise Hawking.

2.  Season three was criminally underrated by all (myself included).  In addition to really laying the foundation for all the mythology that would unfold and deploy in the following seasons, the third season of Lost had some of the most profound and affecting character-centric episodes of the entire series run.

A bonus #3:  Ben was never quite as evil as we thought.  Knowing what we know now, we can see that Ben was under orders to keep Juliet on the island.  Obviously he loved her (or thought he did), and so it was something he was at first happy to do, but later we could see (through today's eyes) that he really did love her and felt a heaping butt-load of regret over what he had to do.  There is a scene between Ben and Juliet in Ben's kitchen during One of Us where you can see that Ben not only loves Juliet, but that he would have let her go were it up to him.  Watching it now I could tell that Ben was simply following orders he simply did not understand---Jacob's orders---and it was a heavy burden to bear.

In fact, Jacob is all over S3.  His mantra of non-involvement falls apart when re-watching that season.

More (in more detail) to come before tomorrow's show.

"I've got a theory" - Buffy Summers

So, I was hanging out over on Ryan McGee's blog  at Zap2It (because, you know, that is what internet pervs do    we hang out at blogs, cruising chicks electronically).  And while I was there, I saw a post from someone named "I Like Kate."

Now, don't freak out, because I know right away you're saying to yourself, "She likes Kate?  What is she, crazy?"

But it's cool.  Trust me.  One day I'll do a post on why Jack and Kate were purposely made to be so unlikeable, and then you'll go, "Oh, hey, well now I kind of like Kate, too.  And maybe one day I'll even like Jack."

So anyway, ILK had a theory.  Her theory (and it could be "his theory" or "Its theory," but I'm going with "her theory") was that Eloise Widmore (ne' Hawking) was, in fact, not worried about any sort of violation at all when she found out Desmond was waking up.  ILK thought that Ellie had staged that whole kerfuffle with the guest list and Penny's name all for Desmond's benefit, in order to give him a little push.

So, let's think about that.  Why would Ellie let her son get together with Charlie Pace in the first place if she were worried about "violations"?  Why would she let her husband get involved with all of it, too, knowing full well that he may send his #1 fix-it man, Desmond David Hume, around to help out?  And then, when Des did start poking his head into the guest list, why would Ellie then take him aside and say just enough to stir him up and peak his curiosity?

Well, she wouldn't.  Not if she were really trying to keep a lid on everything.

But she would have done all of that if she wanted to push Desmond into fulfilling whatever his part of the equation just may be.  And now that I think of it, so would Charles.  And so would Daniel.

Were those three running a long con on Desmond in the Sideways World?  Were they all working together to push Desmond into doing exactly what he is now doing?

Yeah, I think so, too.

I never bought Ellie as a Smokey accomplice, which is the popular theory that has been gathering steam out there in the ether.  I thought   if anything   maybe love of son might have caused her to decide to step out of the game once they got to the sideways universe and she found she had him back alive, but I did not really believe it.  And, as I reported below, no less than Damon and Carlton poo-pooed that idea in their podcast yesterday.

And I never bought that what we saw in Happily Ever After proved that Widmore was "in the dark" about what was going on.  He didn't show any hint of knowing anything, but the absence of proof is not proof itself of anything.  And the decorations in Charles' office sure reeked of knowledge of something.  They sure seemed designed to push someone's psychological buttons.  And the whole spiel about having "no attachments, no entanglements, the perfect life" was just a little too on the nose, wasn't it?  Now that this idea has hit me, all that little rap from Charles sounds like now is a carefully designed push for Desmond.  It was Charles saying, "Remember when you did have a family, Desmond?  And remember how much you loved it?"

The long con is a Lost staple.  It was an episode title in S1, and it's been a thematic and dramatic staple that has recurred each and every season.  Honestly, it is something we all should have been looking for when trying to figure out where this season was headed.

I think "I Like Kate" should start her own blog, or perhaps take over mine.  Because I'm sold.  This is one of those "I'll believe it until it's proven wrong" moments. 

And, yeah, I like Kate.  So what?

Da Sphinxes Speak

In their semi-regular podcast this week, Lost co-creators DamCar Darlton Cuselof decided to weigh in on a few actual mysteries.  They do this from time to time, although they also tend to speak obliquely about it when they do.  But your intrepid reporter was on the scene, and here is what I learned:

1.  "Stop with the Keamy crap already!" says DamCar.

Keamy did not say "Island." Period.  End of discussion.  This was reported here before, back when the Keamy-Island nonsense began (as this reporter's ears actually listened to the dialogue, which was in English, no fewer than two times), and it was reported here again last week, when both Jorge Garcia (Hurley) and Kevin Durand (Keamy) weighed in on the subject with a resounding, "Stop bugging us.  No one said, "Island."

Now that Cuse and Lindelof have gone on record, too, let us hope that the last bit of this nonsense is as dead and buried as the Shannon and the Libby.

2.  Ellie Hawking loves her little boy Danny, but she doesn't love him that much.

Many a theory was formed over what Eloise Widmore had to say to Desmond during Happily Ever After.  The default position taken by many, was that Ellie Widmore had gone over the Dark Side, or was in fact always there in the first place.  She conspired with the Man in Black, it was said, to create and maintain the Sideways World; in order to save her wuvley wittle boy, Daniel.

This reporter never felt the available facts warranted that opinion, and that the few facts available to us seemed to refute that idea over and over again.  I said so, while allowing that perhaps Eloise had "awakened" to the Sideways World, just as her son had, and now wanted to simply step out of the game and maintain this little slice of world where she and her boy could play with her apron strings forever.  I actually didn't believe this idea, either, but it made a hell of lot of more sense than the idea that Eloise Widmore (ne' Hawking), had actually joined forces with Smokey the Smocke Monster. 

Well, much to my surprise, Darlton cried bullshit, too.

"Yes, it's possible that everything she did was for love of her son," said Demon Lindelof, "but also for the love of the Space-Time Continuum.  'Cause you have to think, if you really love your son, why put him on a path where you have to shoot him in the back?  So, on her scale, Space-Time Continuum ranks slightly higher than Love of Her Son."

And so there you have it: Ellie Widmore (ne' Hawking), definitely not in league with the Man in Black, and more interested in making sure the "right" thing happens with the Universe than whether or not her son gets to eat candy bars with some red-headed slut of a paleontologist. 

Another two annoying non-theories bite the dust, while stubborn people everywhere search in vain for the next Glass Eyeball of Irrelevancy.

Good night, and good luck.

A Pod of Casts

If you don't follow any podcasts (and I admit to being new to the podcast game, spurred on by discovering both the Ricky Gervais and Kevin Smith podcasts just a few months ago), I want to heartily recommend a few to all Lost fans.

• Mo Ryan and Ryan McGee, of the Chicago Tribune and Zap2It, respectively, do the most enjoyable, least cynical and snarky Lost podcast around each and every week.  They talk about each episode the day after it airs while watching it on Hulu, but what they do is really more of an informal Lost discussion than a actual scene specific commentary, so you do not need to watch along with them.  I download it to my S9 every week (as I do with all of these podcasts) and listen while running errands.  These guys have a love of this show that comes through even when they point out the occasional bits of cheese that pop up (which they never excessively dwell upon), and they have always been enjoyable to listen to even when I totally disagree with them on something, such as the episode Ab Aeterno, or on parts of The Package.  And this podcast also wins the Norm Crosby Malapropism Award for the time Mo Ryan accidentally said, "In a buttshell..." while summing up her opinion about something as Ben found the bottom oriented porn mag in Sawyer's secret stash.
• Jorge Garcia, the man Hugo "Hurley" Reyes himself, does a great podcast each and every week, too. Jorge and his girlfriend, Beth, who was a passenger on the Ajira flight, record a podcast after getting and reading each new script, which they then bank and put up the day after the episode airs.  They also record a bit of wrap up after having watched the episode, comparing what was filmed and aired to what was in the original script.  They are spoiler free, but they often give out great bits of insight here and there, including interesting script notes and descriptions.  Occasionally they have guests with them, such as Michael Emerson for Dr. Linus and Nestor Carbonell for Ab Aeterno.  Oh, and these guys also always bring the funny along with the fun.  And, c'mon, how can you resist listening to Ben Linus doing a podcast?
• Then there are the official Lost podcasts, done by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who apparently prefer DamCar to Darlton (or at least Damon does, because he feels short changed in the letter department by Darlton).  They often clear up misunderstandings (Claire's sonogram date was an accident by the prop department), occasionally comment on mythology, and then answer fan questions.  These are short podcasts, with very little in the way of Answers, as you might expect, but these guys could be a stand up comedy team.  They are highly entertaining and self deprecating.  It's well worth the 20 or so minutes each week.
• Alan Sepinwall (NJ.com) and Dan Fienberg (HitFix.com) also do a weekly podcast that usually touches on a variety of topics, but which always includes a segment on Lost each week.  These guys are interesting, but they are also occasionally very cynical about the show, and about television in general.  You can tell they like the show, but they often spend a lot of time on what they don't like   so much so sometimes that you might not be sure they actually do like the show.  But they are smart guys, and they bring something different to the table than does everyone else.  I rarely agree with them, and they rarely bring the funny, but they always have a different take on things, and so I listen every week.

With Lost being lost to us in just six more weeks, all the above are a nice bonus for me as I anticipate the withdrawal that is soon to come. I think you will find them to be so, too.  Check them out and thank me later.

By the way, everything in the Lost podcasts is safe for work and grandma, but the Kevin Smith Smodcasts linked here and above are extremely R-rated, and the Ricky Gervais podcasts are occasionally R-rated.  They are both also some of the funniest stuff you will ever listen to.  But fair warning for the faint of heart.

Long live Karl Pilkington!

Lost in Lost: Everybody Loves Hugo

So, forget symmetry for a moment, because I'm going to try and hit as many things as I can about last night's Lost episode, Everybody Loves Hugo, one by one, then worry later about trying to meld it all into an essay.  If it ends up being all so many Larry King bullet points, then you will know I failed in my mission.  So, here goes, and I'll try not repeat too much ground from my early recap from last night.

• So, count me as someone buying into Desmond's Island Zen vibe.  Dude seriously appears to be a man with a plan, and part of that plan includes F-ing around with Smocke.  When he said, "You're John Locke," to our friend Smokey, I took that as having two possible meanings.  One, in light of Des hitting sideways Locke with the car, was that he knew Smokey was hiding as John Locke in the Sideways World.  The other meaning could be that Des knew that part of Locke was still right there inside of Smokey-on-the-Island, and that it was that piece of Locke inside Smokey that would be his downfall.  And when Des took Smocke's hand, I didn't think, "Oh, no, poor Des."  I thought, "Smokey's going to get more out of that touch than he bargained for.  Smokey's met the one guy whose hand he should maybe not take."
• So, did Desmond try to kill Locke or just give him the near death experience he needed to wake up and the smell the wheelchair rubber burning?  Well, who the hell knows?  We are not going to really know that until they tell us, because that is how close to the vest they are playing things this season.  Answers   real, genuine, honest-to-Jacob answers    are just leading to more questions and opening up more possibilities going forward.  And that is how you are supposed to answer the Big Questions on a show; with answers that really do answer, but then also open up new questions at the same time.
• Right now I am leaning towards thinking that Desmond tried to kill sideways Locke.  After all, how precise can you be with a thousand pounds of automobile?  Not sure how you could expect to do what Des did and know that it would not kill him but merely give him that out of body experience he so desperately needed.  Unless Des knows that sideways Locke cannot be killed, which they would have to establish for us later, then hitting him with a car in order to wake him seems a really risky way to go about it. 
• Unless he was just trying to knock the Smocke out of him?  Could be.

More (too much more probably) after the jump; just click "read more" below...

An early, verbose, and calorie free reaction to Lost 612

Boy, that is one wacky sideways world.

OK, so the early reaction to Lost 612, Everybody Loves Hugo, is that, like Dr. Jack Shepherd, I am learning to let go.  I just let this one wash over me, basking in the glow of vibes both creepy and sublime, until    BANG   Desmond went demolition derby on John Locke's ass in one universe, while at the same time (but in another universe) Desmond played a freaky game of chicken with Locke on the Island;  a game that he appeared to win right up until he got thrown down a well.

Well, OK then.

Yeah, I'm just going to check right out the theory game right now.  Can I get my deposit back?

I liked seeing almost all of the remaining surviving members of the original cast all link up for the first time in YEARS!  It was only the one scene, but it was electric to see them all (minus Jin and plus Lapidus) giving each other the stink eye over a campfire again.  The look that passed between Jack and Smocke was beyond the pale.  Smokey had all sorts of confidence it appeared, while Jack looked sort of blissed-out and scared at the same time.  ("I am Jack's Medulla Oblongata, and this is me letting go.")

And you can let go and learn more by clicking 'read more' below.

Pray Ball?

Baseball season just sneaked up and started on me without my even knowing it.

Such is the life of a Cleveland Indians fan.

Was home during the day yesterday; flipped the tube on for a moment; saw that baseball was being played in the afternoon sunshine.  I assumed it was opening day (that's how out of touch I am right now).

But nope, it was already the second week of the season, and the Tribe was already in last place and looking like they wanted to inherit the Earth.  They aren't hitting, and they aren't pitching, and they probably aren't even fielding (although I won't actually be watching enough   or at all   to really know about the fielding).  But I hear they are hell on selling hot dogs    thanks to that fine Stadium Mustard advantage they hold over everyone.

While not caring a whit about them anymore   thanks mainly to their owner, Scrooge McDolan   I had talked myself into thinking some career seasons and prolonged good health might see them a winner this year.

(Sorry   had to pause for a moment after doubling over with laughter, hitting the floor, then puking from the whole excercise.)

Once again operating on the If You Come, We Will Build It philosophy of business management, McDolan and McSons have put together yet another team that is wasting the fine core of talent that their equally fine (and, girlfriend, I do mean fine) general manager, Mark Shapiro, keeps assembling.  Never in my life have I seen so many opportunities wasted as I have during the past ten years of Indians baseball.  Throwing nickels around like they were manhole covers, the Dolans have squandered more potential playoff bids than the Indians could have even hoped for during the entire previous three decades of my life.  Somehow the talent put together on the Dolan's shoestring keeps managing to surprise and make runs at least every other year, but it is never a surprise when they end up falling a handful of games short during those healthy seasons when they do make run.  Because that is what happens when you try and contend on the If We Get Lucky Principal.

Yes, being an Indians fan is like rooting for the Mega Millions to come in.  If all the random numbers fall your way, then something great will happen.  And you are guaranteed a 1 in 1,303,509,833 shot each and every season.

You would not know it to read this, but I was once a season ticket holder.  And even before that, when the Tribe was in their 40-year free fall of ineptitude back during my youth, I still managed to drag myself to a handful of games each season.  It was baseball, and no one associated with the Tribe ever seriously made any noise about contending or being good, so I had the right attitude for living in misery. 

I was like Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson: I loved my misery.  You know why?  Because it was mine.  I could take it out and hold it.  I could caress it.  Then I could put it back in my pocket and wait for next season.

But now, with the Indians pretending they are trying to contend, rather than just admitting that they are merely fielding a team, I just feel like the saddest thing in the world is life, man.  I have not attended a game in years, because when you pee on my leg and tell me it's raining, it really brings out the worst in me.

Hey, a whole post not about Lost or any television at all.

Bet that don't last long.

Sick and tired of being. . .

Was sick, then busy, then sort of sick again.   Now busy again.  Tough to keep a blog going day in and day out.

At least---for free, anyway.

But I've been working away, and I'll have something up before tomorrow night's episode airs.  Per my usual, it will end up being something very different from what I originally intended it to be, but it will still be about Lost (what a frakking surprise, eh?).

It's the home stretch, people, and like it or love it (or meh it---which, why the hell are you even watching then, you curmudgeon?), it's time to strap ourselves in.  Here a theory, there a theory, everywhere a theory-theory, but old man Schmoker doesn't care.  Whether they are yours or mine (especially mine), they are all so much mental masturbation.  Because the most pleasant surprise of this final season for me has been the way DamCar have managed to answer a lot of big questions without giving jack-shit away about how it will all end.  In fact, not only are they giving nothing away, but the very valid and appropriate answers they have given us have only opened up more avenues of interpretation.

They have set this thing up to end any one of a dozen different ways I can think of, and probably a dozen more of which I cannot even begin to imagine.

That's why they are Darlton; and I am just a dick with a blog.


EDIT: Thanks to the three people who sent me fan mail (or the two people who sent me fan mail and the one guy who sent me hate mail---not sure which I enjoyed more).  Anyway, thanks for those.  They and the comments are nice to see.  At least I am not doing this in a complete vacuum.  But please, leave more comments.  They are wide open, no restrictions, and you can tell me what a jackass I am as often as you please.  I won't delete anything except hate speech and stupidity.

"You can let go now!" - Jorge Garcia

On his weekly podcast over at Geronimo Jack's Beard, Jorge Garcia today confirmed in no uncertain terms that Keamy never said "Island" when talking to Jin in the freezer.  This is one of those silly non-mysteries that is cluttering up the comment boards and has been bugging me to no end (I listend four times and never heard anything that sounds anything like Island---Keamy said "you"), and apparently it's bugging Jorge and Kevin Durand, the actor who plays Keamy, just as much.

So, Jorge said he read the script, which did not have the word "Island," and then, when people would not take that as gospel, he talked to Kevin Durand, who confirmed he did NOT (repeating for the slow and the stubborn: NOT!) say "Island," and that they are both getting really annoyed at fans who won't take the truth for an answer.  He specifically mentioned people who say, "Well, I know what I heard," as being free to be nuts if they so choose, but that they are focusing on something meaningless that never happened.  And Kevin Durand said he's getting sick of the people who don't believe him and are getting pushy about it.

Thanks, Jorge and Kevin, for the confirmation that, yes, Lost fans are indeed certifiable from time to time.

PS - Jorge also said last week that Smokey is "bound by water," and Jorge seemed pretty firm on that point, which is why Jorge said that Smokey does in fact need the plane to get off the Island.  This was all part of my rant on not accepting anything at face value being a sure fire way to ruin your Lost experience.

EDIT: Not that I accept anything at face value, either.  I just find a way not to get hung up on it... by getting hung up on other people getting hung up on it.  Sort of like people who used to be all messed up on drugs before they found the Lord... and now they are all messed up on the Lord.

Maybe We Don't Have To Go Back, Kate!

Hey, Lost fans, just an idea here that cropped up while working on a real recap of Happily Ever After---but what if fixing things will not require erasing the Sideways World?  What if fixing things merely means remembering who you really are in the Sideways World?  What if it means remembering what happened and squaring things, with "squaring things" not meaning they have to go back to the world in which it happened? 

Maybe they just have to remember that world, and then finish off their respective destinies in the Sideways World.

"Maybe we don't have to go back, Kate!"

Yeah, I have no freaking clue as to how that would work when it comes to crushing Smocke, but I'm just wondering.  I'm just spit-balling.  I feel like so many of my theories came true last night, but they came true so much earlier than I ever thought they would, and in such an unexpected way, that I am almost at a loss as to what comes next.  At least, what comes next in a Big Theory of Everything Lost manner.  I had the war moving to Sideways Land after next week's episode, but I didn't think it was going to be taking place simultaneously with the Island War.

Now that it appears that is to be so, hmmmmm??????

I feel like I can predict a few mundane things now, bits and pieces of action, but I think the end game is still wide open.  Will the Island continue?  Will there be a new Jacob (Jackob?), a new MiB (Des or Sun?), and a return to corpsicle status for so many Losties?

Or will they find a way to purify the Sideways World?  Can there be both resolution in the Island World, via Smokey's destruction, and happily ever after in a more self aware Sideways World?

Much more later, in a full blown recap coming tonight (probably tonight, anyway).

Until then, you all (everybody).

Early Reaction to Lost 611: How Schweet It Is

Well, it's nice to finally get something right.  Or at least half right, anyway.

"We have to go back, Kate!"

The Sideways World does come after the Man in Black gets off the Island.  But rather than Desmond David Hume carrying The Word to the Sideways World as a last ditch option after that happens, Lost 611, Happily Ever After, showed that to be the primary option---indeed, perhaps the only option---for putting right what once went awry.  But rather than just carrying his message to the Sideways Losties, old Desmond is going to be able to proselytize to their Island counterparts as well, starting with those sleeping next to the belly of the beast himself.

He is apparently going to try and keep it from happening and fix it after the fact---all at the same time.

(So put that in your space-time pipe and smoke it)

Pretty cool.

I'm sick tonight, so this will be short.  But let's hit a few bullet points while I still have single vision.

• What's up with Ellie?  Is she warning Des off simply because she really does want to stick to a timetable, or does she simply want to stay in Sideways World?  And if she does, has she crossed to the Dark Side, or does she just want her son to stay alive?  Does she feel she gave enough to that damn Island, and now she just wants to save her son before all else?
• Obviously Des is not the first person to wake up.  No idea who knows how much at this point, but it's clear that the Sideways World is even more unstable than it appeared before.  It's so unnatural, in fact, that it appears it's trying course correct itself all over the place.
• R.I.P. Epilogue Theory, April 6, 2010.  Thank God.
• Hello, Chuckles Widmore---a good guy who just wants to kill his son again so all may be right with the world.
• Nice to see Penny and Des show Isabichard (formerly Richabella) how it's done.
• Not Penny's Boat made me cry again.  How many times is that going to happen?  I'm rewatching S3 now, so do I have waterworks in story for me one more time?
• Yeah, Damon Lindelof, I would say the conversation might be a tad different now.  Did I mention RIP Epilogue Theory?  Amongst other things.
• Wow---not sure when one of my theories ever panned out before.  I may have missed the timing of Desmond becoming the Pied Piper of Sideways World, but at least I finally saw something coming.  Bazinga!
• Of course, now that it's happened, and now that it is happening in both worlds rather than in just one (which, full disclosure, I in no way saw coming), I think I've solved my last mystery for the series.  I really have no idea what is coming next.
• OK, I think I may have some idea what's coming next.  
• "We have to go back, Kate!"  (Damn, I buried the lead again.)
• I think what is coming next is Desmond letting everyone know that this has all happened before (where have I heard that before?), but that they better make sure that this time it doesn't happen again.
• Oh, that is so Dark Tower.
• Meantime, Desmond in Sideways World will preach The Word and---hmmmmm?????
• ??????????
• Who cares?  I think this is just going to get more fun.

"We have to go back, Kate!"

See you tomorrow if I don't get zapped electromagnetically into yesterday.

I Am Woman; Hear Me Roar

Exactly when did Darlton become misogynists?

I just finished listening to my two favorite Ryan's (Mo and McGee) do their weekly Lost podcast, and I was worried that Mo Ryan was going to throw a brick through her Hulu.  Somehow, because Sun ran into a tree in the last episode (and lost her English as a result), Mo interpreted that as being sexist---which fit right into how sexist she has felt the show has been all this season.  And while I can certainly understand being wary of the way the female characters have receded into the background (to an extent) this year, I could not help but feel Mo was knee-jerking her way into letting anything that happened to any female character become representative of rampant misogyny that I just don't see as being there.

Because I am here to tell you, boy and girls, that Sun Kwon losing her English was far from dis-empowering.  After two years out of the forefront (and mostly reduced to tag along status), getting bopped on the head and suffering an aphasia that stripped away her second language was the most empowering thing that has happened to Sun since she gathered the courage to strip down to a bikini and give Jin that "suck it" look back during Season One.

And let us not forget that those same misogynists, Lindelof and Cuse, who caused that tree to jump out and bite Sun last week are the same guys who made the wife, not the husband, the adulterer in their story, and then made us actually blame the husband for that fact (and rightly so).  The narrative has been in Sun's corner every step of the way throughout their story, so I would hope we could all stop for a minute before we start accusing the show of being sexist because a terrified woman ran into a tree.

Sometimes a tree is just a tree--- no matter how it ends up smacking someone in the face.

But let's break it down, as the primary complaints seemed to be that Sun could no longer communicate, and that she then became dis-empowered as a result.  So, let's take a closer look at those two misunderstandings: (right after the jump . . . )

More Of The Same?

First, this is not going to be a full time, all the time Lost blog.  But ever since I posted my first piece on it, I opened up the floodgates to all the crazy Lost-mania I have been suppressing for six years. It's a once in a generation show (and, in many ways, an unprecedented show), and having it running down to the bitter end has stirred the more unhinged reaches of my brain (the same part that likes to stare at a Rubik's Cube while I sit there unable to finish it).  Even though I truly do not want to guess where it's going, because I want to be gobsmacked as often as possible between now and the end, there is endless fun for me in tearing apart and putting back together theory after theory---even though I do know that most of them are just so much bullshit, and oftentimes one is diametrically opposed to the one I posted before it.

Hey---that Lost makes me double back on my own opinions is one of the reasons I love it so much.  Not since Twin Peaks have I had so much fun analyzing and over analyzing even the most minute details. (With the difference being that Twin Peaks was playing things for effect and entertainment without a whole lot of attention to detail and logical continuity---which made it no less entertaining, but which also made it far more maddening and impossible to figure in the end---and Twin Peaks only had to keep it going for a couple of seasons).

(And you can keep this post going, and see if I shut-the-F-up about Lost (I do), after you click "read more"...)

Playing Lost Straight

"What if you saw what the show meant but couldn't recognize it?” - Michael Emerson

In this final season of Lost, the greatest obstacle facing the show has become clear: the history of the show itself.  Spread out over six years---and puffed up with extraneous mystery when ABC thought they might have a ten-year ratings monster on their hands---Lost found itself entering this season with more story, characters and unresolved head-scratchers put together than any ten shows you could mention, and with a well of deep seated fear and mistrust that had swallowed whole a fan base accustomed to picking their favorite shows to pieces---just like I do every week.

It was a recipe that would get you thrown out of Hell's Kitchen, and it had fans forgetting just why they had been watching the show for five years in the first place (hint: it wasn't because we wanted to learn about the food drops).

Forced by their network to head-fake the audience repeatedly just to get six years out of a tale that probably would have been best told in four, the producers of the show are now reaping an unexpected lack of benefits from their having created one of the most complex and moving weekly shows in television history---because no one seems to want to believe anything they are seeing right now,  Additionally, many people are ranking all of the mysteries equally, letting themselves become as consumed with glass eyeballs left in the dirt as they are with the true meaning of the Island.  And, finally, many have just flat out come to their own conclusions (based on six years of second guessing while slamming Red Bulls until 3 am), and have decided that anything other than their own personal and imaginary answers are just so much bullshit not to be tolerated.

I knew this phenomena had reached critical mass when an endless discussion broke out over the way the ship and wave broke the four-toed statue, as if that little bit of action/adventure nonsense were critical to the end game of Lost and its deepest meanings.

Here was a totally meaningless mystery---in that it had no overall bearing on anything that happened in the main story before or since---and people were refusing to simply accept the explanation we were given; looking instead for a new mystery behind the old mystery revealed.  But---at best---the destruction of the Tawaret statue was just a symbolic moment.  There is no great import in how it was broken, when it was broken, or even that it broke at all.  If the statue were still standing, that wouldn't have altered anything that has happened since--other than maybe Sayid would have been even more unnerved when he saw it for the first time.  Maybe he would have unleashed a little Iraqi profanity had he seen it in its full glory, rather than saying, "“I don't know what I find more disquieting, the fact that the rest of the statue is missing, or that it has four toes. ..."

Find out what other body parts are missing after the jump...